hey!
so.. it’s been a loooong while since i’ve been on here. probably the longest it’s ever been.
i remember making this tumblr in 8th grade because a friend made me make one just for funsies. and i was o b s e s s e d. i was an angsty teenager who just needed an outlet for her thoughts, as all teenagers do. but i remember spending hours and hours all day and staying up all night on this stupid website just looking at aesthetic, sad, funny, relatable posts. i documented my struggles through high school and a bit through college, i went through my first best friend breakup, 2 relationships, and now in my 3rd. and tumblr has been there for all of that. i pretty much grew up on here.
i look back at the posts i made/reblogged and sometimes i think “damn, she really went through it.” And i say “she” because i feel like i don’t even know who the old me was anymore, i feel like a totally different person now. but admittedly, i was pretty depressed in high school. those were some really really rough times. high school in and of itself is a really tough time for teenagers to go through, and i’m proud i made it out of there, because at times i didn’t think i was going to make it out. i was dealing with some seriously depressive, suicidal thoughts and my anxiety only perpetuated them. but i think about my high school years a lot, and it gives me a reminder of how strong i was and how strong i can be.
college was really difficult too, my anxiety sky rocketed to its full form during this time. so bad that i couldn’t even leave my room, not even to go to the bathroom or kitchen to eat. i think about these years a lot and although it really hasn’t been too long since then, sometimes i feel a lot of regret with who i decided to be in college. my first year felt so free and i really thought i’d discovered myself. but boy did my life take a turn the rest of the 3 years after a falling out with a friend, and i shut down. i retreated from my social life, and turned my attention to my then-boyfriend who really didn’t deserve to brunt all my emotion and anxiety. even being in my own apartment gave me anxiety, but at not fault to my housemates, and i hope they don’t blame themselves, or think i didn’t like them, i was just really going through it. but my last year of college i left my relationship, moved out, shaved my head and decided to just let myself go and allow myself to just start over. and i finally felt free again.
and this is about to sound cheesy as fuck, but whatever because they’re my true thoughts: i really owe it to tumblr for being there for me when no one else was. as toxic as tumblr was/is, and probably only perpetuated my dark thoughts, that toxicity really helped me through my emotions. i didn’t feel as alone because there were people out there feeling the same shit i was feeling. other people’s art and posts validated how i felt, and helped put my confusing emotions into words that i didn’t know how to express. if i was ever sad, i knew i could just hop on tumblr to give me a sense of comfort. it was my secret place to thought dump. but i’ve learned ways to cope with my emotions and feelings now, and find myself NOT running back to tumblr anymore for comfort, and i think that really shows my growth.
it’s been 8 full years since i made this account. i’m 23, i now have a full-time job living in the bay, in a happy and healthy relationship, living with my siblings whom i never really had a relationship with growing up and have always yearned to have. i went to therapy, and kinda just picked myself up from there. although i still don’t have very many close friends, and still deal with anxiety (i don’t think that will ever change) i am finally at peace with myself and with who i am. and of course there are still things i am unhappy about or am sad about, but they don’t consume me anymore. i’d never thought in a million years when i was 16 that i would end up where i am, but i’m happy, a word i don’t use lightly.
and so with that, i’ve decided to retire this account, and tumblr in its entirety. i’ve basically retired most of my social media accounts bc social media is toxic and i’ve been way happier without it. but i felt like i needed to put some closure to this account because it’s been a big part of my life. and to anyone who has actually (lol) read any of my posts, thanks for listening! :’)
(catch me being sad in a few years and hopping back on here.. HA jk.. but am i? guess we’ll have to see)
